Jack Johnson

- Jack Johnson had sex with your daughter and then never called her back.
- Jack Johnson looks forward to jury duty.
- Jack Johnson ate your cookie and said it was gross.
- Jack Johnson's favorite kind of cereal is dry oatmeal.
- Jack Johnson was a hall monitor.
- Jack Johnson got drunk to go see Schindler's List and laughed the whole time.
- Jack Johnson is a Yankee's fan.
- Jack Johnson never liked the Simpsons.
- Jack Johnson never thought much of the American flag.
- Jack Johnson supports abortion. Not for the civil liberties, but because it resembles killing babies.
- Jack Johnson swallows his gum.
- Charlie horses are caused by listening to Jack Johnson.
- Jack Johnson finds the sound of digital alarm clocks soothing.
- When you bite your tongue, Jack Johnson laughs at you.
- Jack Johnson does that thing where he points at your chest, and then when you look down at his finger, he rapes and kills your family.
- Jack Johnson went to the farmer's market, ate all the free samples, and then didn't buy anything.
- Jack Johnson prefers the new facebook.
- Jack Johnson wrote his own wikipedia article.