Thursday, September 11, 2008

Jack Johnson


- Jack Johnson had sex with your daughter and then never called her back.
- Jack Johnson looks forward to jury duty.
- Jack Johnson ate your cookie and said it was gross.
- Jack Johnson's favorite kind of cereal is dry oatmeal.
- Jack Johnson was a hall monitor.
- Jack Johnson got drunk to go see Schindler's List and laughed the whole time.
- Jack Johnson is a Yankee's fan.
- Jack Johnson never liked the Simpsons.
- Jack Johnson never thought much of the American flag.
- Jack Johnson supports abortion. Not for the civil liberties, but because it resembles killing babies.
- Jack Johnson swallows his gum.
- Charlie horses are caused by listening to Jack Johnson.
- Jack Johnson finds the sound of digital alarm clocks soothing.
- When you bite your tongue, Jack Johnson laughs at you.
- Jack Johnson does that thing where he points at your chest, and then when you look down at his finger, he rapes and kills your family.
- Jack Johnson went to the farmer's market, ate all the free samples, and then didn't buy anything.
- Jack Johnson prefers the new facebook.
- Jack Johnson wrote his own wikipedia article.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

New Songs

I was bored so I made a couple songs.

This first one's the most intricate chord progression I've ever done, which doesn't necessarily make it better, but I am proud of it. My solo stuff falls under the name "The Queen's Own Rifles of Canada"

The samples are from Vertigo, Brick, and Roman Holiday


Let's See You Do It (mp3)


This second one is cool because Vince Hjerpe lay down the drumbeat, emailed it to me, I did the instrumentation and chorus vocals, and my good friend Andrew Kim busted the rhymes. I'm not sure how well the distorted guitar and lo-fi pop vocals go with hip hop, but I think it's cool anyway. This was recorded under the name "Zombie Jesus"

Your Airs (feat. AK-47) (mp3)

Friday, July 11, 2008

Why It's A Moot Point Whether You Hate or Love Indie

A lot of people have been talking online, mostly in favor, but also against the rise of indie music. Common complaints are that indie music is genderless and lacks the emotion of other forms of music. Others claim it's bland and all sounds the same. Another common argument is that it's pretentious, and only scene hipsters listen to it.

All of these arguments are invalid, and I will explain why.

Firstly, I will go right on ahead and do what everyone is having such a hard time doing; define "indie music."

I did not make up this definition, it's one that's been around for ages.

Indie Musical Artist (n.) - A musical artist who has released one or more records without signing to a record label in the "Big Four" corporate music industry, who account for 85% of all record sales in the US; Universal Music Group, Sony BMG Entertainment, EMI Group, or Warner Music Group.

Now this seems obvious, but many of the scene hipsters I mentioned earlier will be quick to note that there are death metal bands and hardcore screamo bands and foreign bands and unsigned rappers who don't fall under the genre of "indie." Neither their fans nor indie music fans would say they're in the indie genre, right?

Well you're all wrong. Indie is NOT a genre. It's nowhere NEAR a genre. There are absolutely no similarities in sound between the bands !!! and Belle and Sebastian. The Decemberists would never be mistaken for LCD Soundsystem and Death From Above 1979 is not Death Cab For Cutie. They are NOT THE SAME GENRE. These bands, as well as the screamo, metal, rap, and foreign bands, all fall under the definition, so they're indie.

"Well then that definition isn't good enough!!"

Okay, give me a better one. What's that? You can't? Okay, then shut up and listen.

Whether the scenesters and the hardcore screamo fans and unsigned hip hop fans and death metal fans will admit it or not, these groups are still indie. Indie is popular for the same reason Firefox and Wikipedia and Youtube are popular. Forgive the computer lingo, but it's open source. It's created on its own and spread through word of mouth. Don't like what you hear on your speakers? Okay, you do better. If you do manage to do better, than someone will hear it, like it, and tell other people about it. Now you're better. See how it works?

Because indie music wasn't put out by a corporation who thinks that we'd like it, and was instead popularized because it found its audience through word of mouth, indie music adapts to the needs of the listeners more readily and instantly than non-indie music.

Let's go 50 years down the line and assume that internet piracy has killed the big corporate music conglomerates. You know who's still around? Indie music. It's a noted trend that while the 4 major labels are slipping not-so-slowly towards certain death due to piracy, indie labels are nearly retaining their profits, and many are actually growing.

So that's all good and nice for us Spoon fans, but what about fans of Underoath and The Used and Alexisonfire? You guys can't stand this girly pop bullshit, right? You're tired of hearing how "awesome" this pretentious, preppy grad student coffee shop music is. Okay, so cut an album. Put it on the internet. You're not alone in your tastes. You're never alone in your tastes. If there's a type of music you like, and you think it's underrepresented in the larger music world, then do something about it! If you've got what it takes, then someone out there will listen. If you don't have what it takes, then hopefully someone else out there with a similar thought does. Odds are, if you're right, and that type of music is underrepresented, then they're out there recording right now. You just have to find them. That's really what it means to be indie.

Now it's important to note that none of this is to say that indie is superior to non-indie. Far from it. That is not my point. If you like Kanye West, you like Kanye West. I'll be honest with you, I LOVE Kanye West, and I bought Macy Gray's albums. When Gnarls Barkley got popular, I was one of the happiest to see it. My point is that it's pointless to lament the collapse of the 4 major labels. This collapse won't change anything about the type of music that's available to us, it'll just broaden what's indie to include the types of music that once fell under the conglomerates' power. So let's stop using "indie" to mean alternative pop/rock, and let's stop using "indie" to mean pretentious hipster. Can't we just start using "indie" to mean "independent?" Or is that too far-fetched?

Monday, July 7, 2008

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Enough With The Fucking Conspiracy Theories Pt. 1

I consider myself a liberal democrat. Hell, I was raised in the Castro in San Francisco and am a sophomore at UC Santa Cruz. But that doesn't mean I'll just sit by and let fellow liberals make us all look like we're crazy.

In my day, I've heard enough conspiracy theories to make me not believe in gravity. While it takes a lot for me to believe any of them, it doesn't take a lot for me to hear them out, because hell, if they're really totally bullshit than there should be a way of telling, right?

So here's my first installment in my crusade to debunk the debunkers.

I stumbled upon a youtube video called "Laser Targeting UAV, Evidence of Military Technology on 9/11"

Scary, right? It makes sense if you take it at face value from a cynical liberal standpoint. Who's benefited the most from the September 11th attacks? The Middle East certainly hasn't. Our economy certainly hasn't. The Bush Administration's approval ratings undeniably have.

That doesn't make it true, though. What if they just got lucky?

Here's the video in question:




Seems reasonable enough. The US Government has been using laser guidance systems in their missiles and bombs since the Vietnam War.

But then why does the laser swoop across the tower so sloppily? If it behaved like it did, the laser would have been visible to the missile/airplane only during the few moments before impact, making the benefit of such a system pointless, as the missile's trajectory was already carrying it directly into the tower.

Well, maybe the UAV was sloppy, or maybe the camera only caught the final moments of the laser's path, or maybe I'm wrong for some other reason I didn't think of. Okay, I'll cede that. But look how the dot goes across the face of the "neighboring building."

That building is in the foreground. It's on the banks of the East River, while the towers stood on the Hudson. That's half a mile.

Here are some images:

This is the view from where the camera was. The towers would stand roughly in the middle of the image, in the background:


Now here's another view, a birds-eye one, of downtown Manhattan Island. See the "neighboring building" at the shore on the bottom? See ground zero? Near the top, on the left-middle?


In this image the "neigboring building" is all the way on the right, the towers would stand all the way on the left. Kinda far, no?


In fact, somewhere around a half a mile.


But look how fast the laser travels from the face of one building to the next:

1.
2.

That means whoever was aiming the thing, assuming this laser bullshit is true, was somewhere in this direction.

The way the laser traced across the face of both buildings means that the aimer had to constantly be at or above the position of the camerman, and could not have been moving across the sky, as the author of the video claims, unless the UAV was lower than 1,000 feet above the cameraman at the moment the beam switched from the smoke plume to the face of the "neigboring building."

This means that the UAV, if spotted from Broadway street, was traveling in the same direction as the aircraft that struck the tower. This doesn't make much sense with regards to the reasoning behind laser-guided systems.

Here's an approximation of the only possible trajectory the UAV could have taken (moving from bottom to top, with the point of impact of the airliner being the very bottom point)



Here's the flight path of the airliner (the point of impact being the topmost point:)


UAVs almost always take perpendicular paths to their targets, and if their target was vertical, like the face of a skyscraper, that would put it above the New York Harbor, which is impossible given the path the lazer beam takes.

Also if you look at the video you can see that the UAV is two birds flying together, because in successive frames the wings are flapping.

Wings down...


...wings up.

Which seems more likely? That the Bush administration is competent enough to hide a blatant and ridiculously well-photographed lie from the American public or that a terrorist attack on American soil has been over-analyzed? Keep in mind, it's the Bush administration we're talking about. The guy was almost assassinated by salty delicious pretzels.

Friday, May 30, 2008

The 10 Best YouTube Videos of All Time

This is an interesting post to write, because, since the titling system on YouTube.com is less than stellar, I am assuming the right to title these videos myself.
My friends told me about some of these videos, my sister, my father, some of them I came across myself, and some were uncovered via the nifty little tool that is StumbleUpon.

So, let's get started...

Checking in at number 10: NYC Helicopter Crash.


I wouldn't have included this if I wasn't sure everyone survived. Amazing.
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No. 9: Take It To The Next Level



You KNOW I rode those jet skis in Cabo, broseph.
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Number Eight: Never Before Seen GI Joe PSA



An old GI Joe PSA dubbed over with nonsense. Sometimes the best things ever don't make any sense.
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Numero Sept: If Tintin were Scottish...



You may not understand this video if you never read Tintin or saw the cartoon, but if you do, it's priceless.
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Number Five: The Mantage



These men have more balls than anyone can or will ever hope to have.
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TOP FOUR: I DIDN'T STOP LAUGHING FOR A FEW MINUTES AFTER SEEING THESE

Number Four: The Best Soccer Goal Ever



This video was seen widely on the internet a few years ago, as it should be. It's fucking hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing
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Number Three: Gymnastics Accident



Like a fucking cartoon or some shit.
______________________________

Number Two: The Talking Goat



Wh- Wh- WHAAAAAA - Wh WHAAAAAA
______________________________

And finally, NUMBER ONE: Ah-Waa



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


anthony albert

The 10 Best Music Videos of All Time

10 - The Black Keys: Your Touch

Makes absolutely no sense, is completely ridiculous, and just totally awesome.

9 - The Pharcyde: Drop

The first time I watched this, it took me a minute to figure out what was going on.

8 - The White Stripes: Fell in Love with a Girl

Must have taken fucking forever to make, even if it wasn't amazing in every way, it would be on this list just for the effort.

7 - Arcade Fire: Neon Bible

Done for the French website blogotheque.net in Paris

6 - Gorillaz: Clint Eastwood

I first saw this on MTV in France in 2001, and the song was stuck in my head for the next 7 years.

5 - Of Montreal: Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games

Completely ridiculous video, and pretty hilarious to boot. Somehow makes me wanna eat at outback...

4 - Fatboy Slim: Weapon of Choice

Who knew Christopher Walken had it in him?

3. Skatt Bros.: Life At The Outpost

I don't expect you to watch the whole thing.

2 - Battles: Atlas

My friend Sean swears he had this exact idea for a music video years ago.

1 - Blur: Coffee & TV

No question in my mind that this is the finest music video ever made. It has it all: sex, poverty, violence, dairy...

anthony albert

Friday, May 23, 2008

The 10 Best Indie Albums of All Time


10. flake music – when you land here, it’s time to return
In Albuquerque, NM, in 1997, a small band called Flake Music recorded a full-length LP titled When You Land Here, It’s Time to Return. Despite receiving almost no mention in any publication, the record put forward a repertoire of remarkably innovative takes on pop conventions.
The sound can be compared to Weezer in its calmer stages, or a more carefree Built to Spill, but it’s the lead singer’s kind, boyish yet confident voice that brings it all together.
This singer, a young man named James Mercer, would later start a side project called the Shins. So excited was Mercer about this side project that he replaced all of its original members with the former members of Flake Music – each and every one of them.
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9. someone still loves you boris yeltsin – broom

Pitchfork Media has done a lot of good for indie music. It essentially “made” shining indie successes such as Arcade Fire and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah. However, they’ve also brushed aside more than their share of promising bands.
Cold War Kids overcame their poor Pitchfork review and became relatively popular, garnering some radio play and mainstream media attention. A small lo-fi pop band from Springfield, Missouri had it a bit harder.
Pitchfork claimed Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin’s debut album, Broom, re-released by PolyVinyl Records in 2005 after its initial recording in 2004, was too derisive of established pop paradigms. While it’s true that the sound begs a comparison to the Shins, Weezer, Belle and Sebastian, or Of Montreal, it’s a mix of the old that comes out sounding sparklingly new.
It’s catchy in a way I haven’t heard before. It’s none too self-serious, but it gets stuck in your head and refuses to leave. It’s okay, though, because it’s a tenant I don’t mind putting up with.
Despite their hard times since the Pitchfork review, the band is still recording, releasing their follow-up, the equally as pleasing Pershing, in 2008.
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8. built to spill – keep it like a secret

Not terribly many people have heard of Built to Spill – almost as few as can name the capital of Idaho. Both are kept like well-guarded secrets.
The capitol of Idaho is Boise, where Built to Spill hails from, and the fact is, Doug Martsch’s voice is about as traditionally beautiful as his facial hair (a big fat bushy beard.)
It’s his guitar work that convinces you to give the band a shot, and after a while you start to understand why he does what he does with his vocals. It all works in a way that eludes description. It’s an odd concoction, born of the Nirvana era, sounding, as I would put it, like “grunge-pop”; pop melodies played on highly distorted electric rock instruments.
In an era where guitar heroes are few and far between, Martsch reminds you what it sounds like to rock. And rock he does. As a matter of fact, both Issac Brock of Modest Mouse and Ben Gibbard of Death Cab for Cutie have cited Martsch’s work as a direct influence.
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7. modest mouse – the moon and antarctica

In 1993, in Issaquah, Washington, Issac Brock started an alternative rock band called Modest Mouse, after an obscure passage from an obscure Virginia Woolf piece.
Allusive is a good adjective to describe Modest Mouse. Others would be dark, poetic, oddly sobering yet reassuring at the same time. Brock tells stories of the world’s inherent despair, with flashes of acceptance or optimism, over his distinct guitar hooks that make me reminisce about the Pixies.
The Moon and Antarctica is Modest Mouse’s masterpiece. It’s dark, depressing, and heavy, and it will always have a place in my heart. Whenever life’s troubles bring me down, this album speaks volumes to me about the way the world works. The band came into its own with this brilliant work, and it should be on every CD rack from Issaquah to Tokyo.
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6. neutral milk hotel – in the aeroplane over the sea

In an era when alternative meant electric guitar, an in-your-face style and standard 4-piece rock bands, an obscure folk band from Louisiana released their second of two full-length albums that, in its context of time, can be described as completely alien.
It was a band called Neutral Milk Hotel, and this second album, called In The Aeroplane Over The Sea, that was their masterpiece.
Between the simple one-acoustic-guitar folk chord progressions and the lush, full horn sections, accordion craft, and musical saw (yes, musical saw), is the birth of a paradigm. If you were to trace the rebirth of folk in popular music back to its roots, you would find this album.
It’s a sort of concept album, based around chief lyricist and composer Jeff Magnum’s recurring nightmares about the holocaust, and he pulls it off in the most heart-wrenching way imaginable (The only girl I’ve ever loved / was born with roses in her eyes / but then they buried her alive one evening 1945, with just her sister at her side / and only weeks before the guns all came and rained on everyone … and it’s so sad to see / the world agree / that they’d rather see their faces filled with flies / when I’d want to see white roses in her eyes).
His vocals are not beautiful in any traditional sense, but that just makes it strike home even harder, and the crashing drums mixed with the pure beauty of the folk masterpieces he composes work in a way that calls to mind the realization that the world was never as kind a place as we’d like to think.
This album was the birth of modern folk music.
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5. arctic monkeys – whatever people say i am, that’s what i’m not

Between the early 1990s and the early 2000s, alternative rock split off into two different disciplines: indie and pop-punk. The latter became more mainstream, as it was easier for the media to comprehend as “alternative,” and it gained nearly a monopoly on radio play of rock music, but in the process ceased to resemble the principle or sound of the classics of the golden age of punk rock. Indie retained its integrity a little better, but in the process ceased to have the testes that alternative rock used to have.
The line between the two styles was divisive and definite. That is, at least, until Arctic Monkeys, a true punk band out of Sheffield, England, came onto the scene.
We all miss the Clash and the Ramones, and from their sound, I’d venture a guess that these jumpy Brits miss them, too. The drums are punchy and masterful. The guitar and vocals are angry but never depressed, like a drunken football fan after a match between England and France.
That’s a good way to describe this type of punk – drunken. This jumpy, drunken punk was absent from the scene for too long, and now that it’s back, the Clash would be truly proud.
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4. pixies – doolittle

The 1980s saw its fair share of trends. In a time when neon was king and you weren’t a man unless you had a mullet or a studded belt, a band from Boston tossed off its shackles of time and recorded an album from a couple decades in the future.
Anyone who’s seen Fight Club has heard “Where Is My Mind?”, a track not featured on this album. But it’s the mix of punk, classic rock, beauty, and rage behind tracks like “Hey,” “Debaser,” or “I Bleed” that makes this band the creators of modern indie rock.
You wouldn’t guess 80s from just listening to their music, or even from looking at their photograph, and this is the way I like it. It’s a band without an era, and they gave birth to an era. Nirvana, Modest Mouse, and just about any other rock band with any backbone owes what they know to the Pixies.
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3. arcade fire – funeral

“Emo,” as a term, at the time of the release of this album, was essentially an insult. Nobody wanted to look emo or talk emo or listen to emo music. But it was a mix of truly emo kids residing in Montreal, QC, who would record one of the most emotionally powerful and moving albums of all time.
Singing in a mix of mostly English and partly French are husband and wife vocalists Win Butler and Regine Chassagne, the former a former Texan, the latter a Haitian.
The band uses any instrument you wouldn’t think of offhand, and a few you would, but it sounds like the instruments they chose were built to be played in their songs. Sounding at times like David Byrne and a times like the London Philharmonic, they grab you by the heart and drag you down an icy Canada street by the light of turn-of-the-century gas street lamps, and it’s done in a more sincere way than any album that comes to mind.
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2. clap your hands say yeah – clap your hands say yeah

The term “indie” itself is rather indefinable. Some take it to mean disjointed from the mainstream, but this excludes bands like the Strokes or the White Stripes. Some call it a genre, but how can bands like Beirut and !!! possibly be in the same genre? Some say it means anything with a completely new sound, but then bands like the Pipettes are at a loss.
One thing is certain, though: whatever indie is, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah are indie. Their eponymous debut was recorded in an apartment in Brooklyn and put onto compact disc on a tiny scale by the band itself. They sold out of their original pressing and used the profits to press more. Without ever signing to a record label, they were named the Hot Band of 2005 by Rolling Stone Magazine.
It’s vocalist Alec Ounsworth’s vocal style that separates CYHSY from similar lo-fi rock-pop concoctions. He deliberately cracks his voice in a squeal/wail that sounds like David Byrne going through puberty, and it works perfectly. Some call it butchering music, but it’s worked, and I can’t stop listening. It’s a perfect album, with every track good enough for the radio play it will rarely, if ever, get.
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1. belle and sebastian – if you’re feeling sinister

In 1996, in Glasgow, Scotland, amidst the era of brit-pop and stadium rock revival in the UK, a group of college students recorded two albums as a school project, and released 1,000 copies of each on the school’s record label.
One was called Tigermilk, the other, If You’re Feeling Sinister. Both are amazing, but Sinister takes the cake as the pinnacle and father of twee pop (a label the band rejects, but hell, who are they kidding?).
Lead vocalist and composer Stuart Murdoch’s soft, carefree voice tells tales of childhood troubles, told largely from the perspective of secondary school aged young men and women, dealing with the problems of the real world.
Their sound is disjointed from their lyrics (She was into S&M and bible studies / not everyone’s cup of tea, she would have meant to me / not everyone’s cup of tea she would have meant to no one) but it works amazingly. It’s a cross-section of life as an adolescent, and it’s something that anyone who speaks a language can relate to.
The band rejected fame, often refusing interviews and TV appearances that would have made them world famous, for better or for worse. Nonetheless, they are recognized the world over by those few who know their importance. They deserve the fame they don’t have, but they’ll go down in history as the true masters of their genre.

anthony frederick albert
Friday, May 23rd